


For When You Breathe, Mine is the Heart that Beats

by serenityblue



Category: Check Please! (Webcomic)
Genre: Chronic Illness, Established Relationship, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Minor Eric "Bitty" Bittle/Jack Zimmermann, Sickfic, background nonbinary character, but like probably not medically accurate i'm sorry, seriously it's just really soft and self indulgent
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-04
Updated: 2020-10-04
Packaged: 2021-03-08 03:22:02
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,989
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26818759
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/serenityblue/pseuds/serenityblue
Summary: Dex's lungs don't always function the way they should. It's a point of pain that Nursey can't do anything to fix. But he can still love Dex through the bad days, and help try to fight back against the frustrations that come with Dex's condition.
Relationships: Derek "Nursey" Nurse/William "Dex" Poindexter
Comments: 6
Kudos: 101





	For When You Breathe, Mine is the Heart that Beats

**Author's Note:**

> title from "Pleasant Songs of the Sweetheart Who Meets You in the Fields" by Anonymous

It was one of the bad days. Nursey hated the bad days, not as much as Dex, who physically hurt too much to escape the mental and emotional pain of his body not functioning, but he still hated the bad days more than he hated the rich white women who put their arms on their sons’ shoulders and steered them away from him at Andover events. He always hated seeing Dex hurt. That was a given, an ache that started in his chest the moment he caught a grimace, or amber eyes flashing with suppressed pain. But it nearly tore Nursey apart to see strong, fiery Dex reduced to a shivering pile of blankets, weak frustration in his few words. And the worst part was that he couldn’t do anything to help.

He couldn’t fix Dex’s faulty lungs that dropped out on him if he so much as got a cold. He couldn’t remove the unfairness of Dex being able to play Division I hockey one day, then be stuck in bed the next, unable to stand without his lungs struggling. He couldn’t even provide the comfort he wanted to, since Dex hated being so weak that it just made him angry to treat him with gentleness. The most kindness Dex had taken was out of necessity: he took the bottom bunk at Nursey’s offer, since he couldn’t make the climb up to the top bunk.

So when Dex texted him while he was still in his 8am lecture (seriously, what demon in the registrar’s office decided the only section of this class should be at 8am?), Nursey almost cried into his Bronze Age poetry textbook.

**Will**

bad day. 

won’t be at Annie’s 

no practice for probably a week

His hands shook through the rest of the lecture, and Alex, who always sat next him, threw him concerned looks.

“You okay, man?” They asked, when lecture finally ended and Nursey had to sit for a moment, clenching and unclenching his fingers before he could get them to function enough to get his books in his bag without dropping them.

Nursey gave them a weak smile. “Just some bad news from my boyfriend. It’ll be okay though.”

“Shit, breakup?”

“Nah, we’re good. He’s just…not doing well today and it’s a little hard on both of us.”

Alex helped Nursey zip his bag as his hands started shaking too hard again. “That sucks. Hope he’s doing better soon. And if you need to miss Cross’s class this afternoon, I can get you the notes.”

Nursey gave Alex the best approximation of a smile he could manage. “Thanks. I think I’m gonna take you up on that.”

Alex nodded, then headed out, leaving Nursey to take a few more quick breaths, steady himself, and then head towards the Haus instead of Annie’s, where he usually grabbed lunch and got some time with Dex before his afternoon classes.

In the kitchen, Bitty was making chicken noodle soup instead of his usual pies. No pop tunes or Beyonce played from his phone. He startled when he saw Nursey come in, then gave him a sad smile.

“Hey, Nursey. It’s a really bad one today, isn’t it?”

Given that Dex would usually call him after class to cancel their lunch plans on a bad day, and almost always texted with proper grammar and complete sentences, Nursey was willing to bet it was worse than it had been in a while.

“Do you have any of the blue Gatorade stashed away somewhere?” He asked Bitty in response. Dex quickly got tired of ginger ale, and it always seemed to remind him how sick he was, which just made him more angry, and more sad, and more sick.

“Sure, should be a few in the fridge if the boys haven’t already stolen it. I’ve got some back in that cabinet too, if the stuff in the fridge’s gone.”

Nursey skipped the fridge and went straight for the cabinet stash. “Room temperature makes it easier to keep it down,” he explained at Bitty’s raised eyebrow.”

“Hey. Y’all let me know if you need anything, okay?” Bitty put a hand on Nursey’s arm as he headed out of the kitchen. He had stray carrot peel stuck to his thumb, but his eyes were serious. “Either of you.”

Nursey nodded. “Thanks Bitty.”

He walked up the stairs Dex probably hadn’t even been able to look at today, and pushed open the door to their room. All the lights were off. A Dex-shaped lump resided in the lower bunk. Dex’s breathing was noisy and uneven.

Nursey bit his lip, willed back the tears, then slipped into the room, careful to shut the door quietly. He sat at the edge of the bed and reached a hand out to hover over Dex’s shoulder.

“Dex?”

A shudder, but no response.

“Will?”

“Go away,” Dex said weakly.

Nursey wilted, his heart aching for him. “Baby,” he said softly.

Dex’s head poked out of the covers just enough to squint up at him. His eyes were sunken in and bruised looking, even in the dark. Nursey knew that if the lights were one, he’d be able to see that Dex’s pale skin was blotchy from crying.

“Derek, please. I don’t want you here when I’m- when I’m like _this_.”

“Will-”

“Just go! Please?” Dex’s voice cracked and he broke into a coughing fit after he spit the words out, lungs struggling to keep up with speaking.

Nursey moved instantly, pulling Dex upright and tilting his head against Nursey’s shoulder to open up his airways more. When the coughing subsided, Dex slumped against Nursey’s side, breath ghosting over his neck.

“Go…” Dex whimpered.

“No.”

He felt Dex stiffen in his arms. Nursey always protested, but usually at this point he would have obeyed Dex’s plea and carefully propped him up with pillows and blankets and one of Nursey’s beanies, before dropping a kiss on his forehead and leaving Dex to sleep (or attempt to, anyway).

“Not this time,” Nursey said.

“Derek.”

“No,” Nursey repeated, firm, but still quiet. “I’m not leaving you to deal with this on your own anymore. It’s not working. I can’t do it anymore. It just makes me feel like shit, and you feel even more like shit, and then I get anxious and worried, and you beat yourself up about it and make yourself sicker. I’m not-I’m not doing that anymore.”

“But you.” Dex coughed again, but thankfully this time it didn’t turn into a fit. “Class. Can’t miss because my stupid.” Cough. “ _Fucking_ lungs.”

“I’m not going to fail if I miss one or two classes. I already emailed the professor, and besides, Alex already offered to get notes for me.”

Dex stiffened in his arms. “Did you tell them? That- that I’m-”

_Weak._ Nursey was sure that’s what Dex had intended to say, if he hadn’t gasped and coughed mid-word. 

“I told them that my boyfriend was having a bad day and it sucked,” Nursey said once Dex was breathing somewhat evenly again. “And they offered to send me notes so I could come be with you.”

Dex relaxed slightly.

“But Will, it wouldn’t have mattered if I had told them you’re sick. It wouldn’t have changed their opinion of you. They would have just done the exact same thing.”

Dex scoffed, and Nursey could almost see the self-deprecating thoughts whirring in his head as he turned his face into Nursey’s shoulder.

“Hey. Listen to me. You’re not weak because you’re sick. You’re not less of a person, less of a hockey player. Your lungs are just shitty sometimes and it _sucks_ , but that doesn’t make you weak.”

Nursey gathered Dex closer to him, one arm curled around his waist, the other pulling his curled up legs into Nursey’s lap. He nudged Dex’s nose with his until the other boy finally opened his eyes and looked at him.

“Let me see you when you feel weak. Because I want to be here to show you how strong you are.”

Dex let out a shuddery sigh, then nodded. His chest hitched in aborted coughs, and then he was tucking his face into the juncture of Nursey’s neck, crying quietly into his warm skin.

“It’s okay, it’s okay, _habibi_. I got you.” The words slipped out in a soft stream, pressed into Dex’s hair. Nursey’s heart still ached, but something in it thrummed now, allowed to hold and comfort, permitted to feel Dex’s tears and give him the steady breathing in Nursey’s chest while his lungs struggled for air.

  
  


Jack showed up late at the Haus, having dropped his bags at home and taken a minute to shower off stale plane air and get fresh clothes. Bitty was just finishing up some homemade applesauce when he got there, and melted into the offered hug with a sigh.

“Hey, bud. You okay?”

Bitty smiled up at him. “Yeah. Just a rough day emotionally. Dex’s having a bad day, and that means Nursey’s struggling and Chowder’s sad because his best friends are hurting.”

“Ah.”

“Yep. And I’ve been stress cooking about the fact that I can’t stress bake because the smells get to Dex when he’s sick and even looking at pie makes him sad. So. Applesauce. And so much weakly spiced soup.”

“Mm-hm.”

Bitty lifted his head from where he’d planted it in Jack’s chest, words muffled into his shirt. Jack was smiling, but it was droopy with exhaustion.

“Oh, lord, and you’ve gotta be exhausted and I’m just standing here rambling about soup and how I can’t bake.” Bitty ditched his apron and grabbed Jack’s hand to pull him up the stairs. “Here I am complaining about how tired I am and you’re practically dead on your feet. You don’t want to hear about the bland things I’ve been cooking.”

Jack just followed him obediently up the stairs. “I like hearing you talk about it.”

Bitty shook his head with a smile and huffed something like “this boy” under his breath. He paused at Nursey and Dex’s door and tapped softly. When he got no response, he pushed the door open a sliver.

“It was _really_ rough, this time,” he explained quietly. “I don’t think Dex has been able to sleep much, and he was barely keeping liquids down. We were ready to head for the hospital if his fever spiked any higher.”

Jack put a comforting arm around Bitty’s shoulders as he peered into the darkness to check on his Frogs.

From the glow of the streetlight out the window, they could see Dex’s head propped up on pillows, apparently finally able to sleep. Nursey was awake, but hadn’t noticed them, fully focused on Dex, gently stroking the sweaty hair on his forehead with careful fingers. He whispered something too soft for Jack and Bitty to hear.

Bitty eased the door closed and sighed, some of the worry going out of his shoulders. He stood just staring at the door for a moment, wishing his powers as captain could extend to taking away Dex’s rattling breaths and fear that had mixed with the gentleness in Nursey’s voice.

“He really loves that boy,” Bitty murmured as he shuffled towards his room with Jack.

“I know the feeling.”

They got ready for bed silently, and Bitty felt guilt at forcing Jack into a twin again until Jack wrapped himself around him and pressed a kiss to his hair. His heart stuttered like it always did with Jack, even now. He was glad it wasn’t his lungs. Couldn’t imagine how Nursey and Dex made it through all the worry.

“Bits?”

“Hmm?”

“Give yourself a break from worrying and go to sleep. They’ll be okay.”

Bitty nodded, then turned in Jack’s arms so he could rest his head over Jack’s heart.

Jack leaned down and kissed him softly. “Love you.”

“Love you, too, honey.”

Bitty let himself drift, and the Haus was quiet.

**Author's Note:**

> I don't know if the illness I gave Dex is at all plausible, but I wanted to explore the frustration that comes with chronic illness. I also just wanted to write some comforting stuff in the midst of quarantining and stressing about school so...
> 
> I've written so many partial stories and drafts and never posted them, then I wrote this one in like a few hours one night and figured hey, something's gotta be the first one up so it might as well be this.


End file.
